Words from a "LOVING" Mother....?

Anyone who knows me, knows about the relationship between my Mother and I. Now that I say that, I realize that the only other person that knows EVERYTHING I've been through with her is my Dad. I've never really had a relationship with her, the courts tried to force me into one when I was younger, back then they didn't really care what the children said. If they had, I would have never had to spend every other Saturday with her. I HATED going to her house every other weekend. Finally, when I was 15 I put an end to it. I had spent SO many years listening to her make rude comments about my dad, I finally had snapped. You see, my dad was my best friend, he was my everything, he was really the only PARENT I had. The constant bad-mouthing made me finally snap. My dad had plenty of bad things he could have said about her, but he didn't. He tried to stay neutral.
So, for the last 16 years, she's been in and out of my life. Every time there is a big moment in my life, she tries to come back into my life, and every time.... I let her, and every time she did something or said something that hurt me, let me down, or screwed something up. EVERY TIME.
So excuse me for not remembering what broke the camels back the last time, but it's been a few years since I told her I was done, to leave me alone. And for those few years, she almost did.

Backtrack 25+ years. Her parents dis-owned her and included my Dad and I in their family. Fast forward those same number of years, my Grandparents accept her back into the family and SHUN ME for breaking ties with her I wonder, if they knew how she treated me, if I would still be in the wrong? (You will see towards the end of this post our recent contact)

Needless to say, I knew (because she was friends with Greg on Facebook) based on my better judgement she would find out soon enough that we were expecting. I also knew because of this, she would try to weasel her way back in.  Now mind you, if I had a daughter (estranged or not), when I found out I was going to be a Grandma I would want to be part of the experience, and the baby's life too. I would pull myself together and do whatever I had to, to be part of that baby's life. Well... needless to say she tried, in her own way.

I swore years ago, that I would NEVER let my children go through the things I did with her. I will never let someone break my children's spirit like she did mine. I would never make my children feel like they're not good enough, like she did. I would never let my children get their hopes up for something that does not get followed through with.

Recent events have just validated everything I know and expect of her.

When she found out I was pregnant, shortly after UPS showed up at my door with a box. It was from her. Is it sad that I was honestly afraid to open in it fear it may be a bomb? Well, it was a bomb, of a different sort. It was my baby book. Looking through it was very emotional. Especially when you're in a very emotional stage of pregnancy. After I got through it, there was a notebook in the back. It was pretty much the "story of her life" and everything that went wrong and how everyone wronged her. Assuming it was a "bash book" and I had heard her bash the people I loved enough in my life, I had NO interest in reading whatever crap she had written, so... I threw it away.

The last month or so, she's been trying to contact through Greg (I suggested he block her LONG ago). Most sounded like late night drunken ramblings but they haven't slowed down. Then the other night, she sent him the following private message:

 Greg, I want you to know that all of the Wikmans are praying hard for both of you, We're on pins and needles right along with you. I wish Kim would free her mind and let go of the hurt, she would be so much more at rest, healthy, and happily able to carry those boys into the new year. I ride the Lakeshore Trail nearly every day. You don't know hard it is for me not to ride up the hill and stop to see you both, but I'll respect her wishes and give her, her time.
 (as a side note, the "Wikmans" refers to my Grandparents, her parents. Who I really haven't heard much from.)

I tried to not let this message bother me. But it really did. She apparently thinks because of HER and my lack of contact with her, that I cannot care for my children. This woman knows absolutely NOTHING about me, how I'm feeling, or what I'm going through emotionally or physically. The only "hurt" I have, is when she tries to contact me. I was able to ignore this message for a few hours before I felt I HAD to reply. Now you see, my Mother is not a sweet, compassionate, loving lady. She is, there's no other word for it, a BITCH.  So I tried to be as nice as I possibly could, while still being honest, in my reply. I replied:
 In all due respect I'm sure this is not easy for you to read but....

All I ask for right now is that you PLEASE stop contacting Greg.
I am not "holding on to any hurt" that is keeping me from sleeping, being healthy, or carry my boys. You don't know what I'm going through, you don't know my life, so please don't assume anything.

I am surrounded by people who love me, are taking care of me, and who make me happy. I choose to surround myself with those people who lift me up. If you respect me at all, please let Greg and I be. 

Minutes later I received this response:

I expected this, and it was not hard for me to read.

I though this was settled and I could go back to life as normal. I was wrong. A few hours later, I received this from her:

It's evident through your message that you are angry. I only hope your children will someday soften your heart. I never assume anything, I have been kept well abreast of what you are going through. If I respect YOU? Respect is earned. I respect Greg.....

And my Grandparents are disappointed in me, for not wanting this in my life? WHY ON EARTH would I want someone SO toxic, in my life? Nevermind the life of my children!

When I read this last email from her, words left my mouth that I don't often say, simply "Fuck You." And then the crying continued. I was going to respond either with those exact words, or with "...and THAT is exactly why you've never been, and never WILL BE in my life." There was SO many things I wanted to say in response, a few would have been; "Obviously YOU having children hasn't softened YOUR heart, how could you EVER say such things to your old child?" Or, "How can you "respect Greg" YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM! or "Yes, you're right. I AM angry. But I'm angry at YOU, for trying to come back into my life and treat me like THIS, like you always have, especially at a time like this." and as much "abreast" as you *think* you know what I'm going through, I obviously am not posting every detail of what we're going through in a mass email to all my friends and family (which apparently is where you're getting your information. Assuming my Grandmother is forwarding my emails to her). But me, trying to be the bigger person (again), I just left it. I blocked her email address and we blocked her from Greg's facebook.

I just sit here, and shake my head. She has never and will never change. She will never be the mother than I never had. She is evil, she is mean, she is condescending, she is fake and someday karma is going to come back around. It's a shame that she is that way, but she is what she is. Regardless, I can guarantee you, my children will NEVER know that kind of pain. I have so many non-blood "family" and friends who are going to love these babies to death, they will never miss out on ANY thing.

The Unknown

I thought for the first time, I would get MY time. I've always looked forward to being pregnant and getting to have a baby shower, plan a nursery, put the crib together, etc. When Greg and I got engaged there were a few other couples in the family/friends that were getting married around the same time. So all of my Gable side bridal showers I shared with other couples. I never got to have the spotlight just for me. So now that I'm pregnant, I was looking SO forward to having my time. It doesn't look like it's heading that direction. If I can even remain pregnant for 3 or 4 more weeks, at that point I'll more than likely get admitted to Spectrum Hospital in Grand Rapids and be 40 miles away from all my friends and family until I do deliver. I'll never get to have a baby shower. I'll never get to see the cribs being put together, the dresser put together. I'll never get to be part of any of it. I'll just be in a hospital miles away from home. Away from my home, my bed, my tv, my DOGS, my family, for weeks or months.
My babies only have some clothes, two cribs still in boxes, dresser still in boxes, and storage drawers still in boxes. No car seats, no mattresses, no finished nursery.
Every time we think things are looking up, they take a turn for the worse again. It kills me that one baby has been fine this entire time and I can lose him. Apparently with twins it's both or nothing. I don't know what little Miles is going through. I don't know what his sac rupturing over and over does to him, how it effects him, etc. Is he suffocating?
I'm afraid to roll over in bed. I'm afraid to sit, to stand, to sneeze, to cough, to laugh because I'll leak and hurt him more. Every ultrasound pic of him he's curled up in such a small ball I can't even recognize him while Max is more stretched out and I can make him out perfectly. I'm not a very maternal person so that also makes me feel bad.
I go back to Spectrum in GR Friday (Greg's birthday) and am scared what they'll want to do with me. I did not have a good first experience with them. And of course the fear of being admitted (although since there's nothing they can do until 23-24 weeks, they typically would NOT admit me), I still fear it. I'll be 21 weeks on Friday.
What happens if I do get admitted? What happens with my unemployment? Do I lose it because I'm not "employable"? We can't afford to lose my little tiny unemployment checks. Even moreso now than ever. The Dr bills, ultrasound bills, specialist bills, and hospital bills are stacking up.
I just hate all this unknown. Just "sit home and wait. Come back if you feel like you have an infection or when you go into labor" Great.
*sigh*

Josie Gross-e

I am feeling SO gross. Ugh...
I'm already acne prone but this pregnancy is making me MORESO. Not only do I have non-stop pimples along my jawline but now I'm getting them on my chest. It's August and I feel like I can only hide them if I wore a turtle neck, and that is NOT an option. (Can you even still buy turtlenecks?)
My face is SO oily.

My hair feels disgusting and every time I wash it, I lose more of it.  No matter what shampoo, conditioner, product I use... my hair still FEELS gross and won't do ANYTHING that I want.

I look "weird" in all my clothes. Some clothes make me look 9 months pregnant, others just make me look plain ole fat. None of my old shorts/pants fit. And a lot of my shirts that technically do still fit aren't long enough to cover the "panel" of maternity shorts/pants.

But beside all the gross feelings, we had a Dr's appointment this morning that went really well. I did two sets of genetic testing (bloodwork, ultrasounds, fetal measurements) to test for Down Syndrome and other "problems".  My Dr told me before I elected to have these tests done that a lot of women's results may come back as odds of 1 in 200 chance, and the mothers always think they'll be that ONE and will do more invasive testing (amniocentesis) to investigate further, which brings a higher risk of miscarriage. Well, my odds for those tests came back 1 in 40,000! He said "You don't get any closer to zero percent chance than that!" So that was great to hear. :) My urine tests have all been good. Blood tests all good, all tests came back negative. Yaay! So now we go back in three weeks for a full anatomy scan, and to confirm the sexes. I told him when we had out 14 week 6 day ultrasound, the tech told us two boys. He said "well, don't rule out a girl entirely yet. At that point baby genital can look very similar". He said "they may very well both be boys, but just as a heads up" So, there's still a chance I suppose, that one of my munchkins could be a girl! So, we better not finish painting the nursery quite yet.

AND!!! I can use OTC topical products for my acne, and I can get my hair highlighted so hopefully that will help with my icky feeling.

Pregnant Fatty

My plan was never to get pregnant at my pre-pregnancy weight. For years I told myself I was going to lose weight before getting pregnant not just for the obvious health reasons for me and a baby, but because I wanted to be a "cute pregnant lady" not a "fatter fat lady."  I can see friends that don't see me on a regular basis look me up and down to look for a "bump" but my whole body is a bump. I'd love to take "belly bump" photos like everyone else does but I'm not comfortable with it. I don't think there's enough to show. There's a few outfits, shirts or dresses I wear that Greg looks at me and says "You look pregnant" (to skinny girls this would sound offensive, like they're being called FAT) to me it makes me smile. I don't think I look "pregnant" but my body shape has definitely changed. There is a "bump" but not noticeable to others. My body does LOOK and FEEL different but no stranger would know that. So until I get huge I'll continue to wear my "Pregnant and Fabulous," "Double Trouble" and "I'm not Fat, I'm Pregnant ...and Fat" t-shirts, just so we're all clear. :)

The Next Chapter

On Mother's Day (2012) I took a pregnancy test. This was our last chance (with many failures) before my OB was to send me to a specialist out of town. Not wanting to go that route (which would probably require me to give myself injections), we were hoping it may work this time around. I had been taking Provera and Clomid for 6 months. 50mg of Clomid didn't work, 100mg of Clomid didn't work, so it was 150mg or going to a specialist.
So, a few minutes after taking the test, I walked towards the bathroom, on the way saying to Greg "I don't even want to look."  He responded that he would but I refused, as he followed me to the bathroom. I picked the test up from the back of the toilet and saw a faint second line. My eyes must have gotten huge. Of course Greg, being the skeptic of everything that he is didn't believe it because the second line was very faint. I explained to him that I have NEVER had a trace of a second line before so this may mean SOMETHING. So, we ran to the store and picked up the Clearblue Digital test, thinking seeing the *words* might make it more real, more accurate. Sure enough. The next morning I took two more tests, one of each brand, again.
Conveniently enough, the next morning was my already scheduled follow-up OB visit (I had one each month while on the drugs). The next week I had my first ultrasound confirming it. A little tiny baby Gable. Just a little dot at that point. We knew the chances of twins was there because of the fertility treatments and having to increase the dosage twice, but there was just one. One little tiny dot of baby.
The next week we went back for a follow-up ultrasound just to check the growth. Halfway through the exam the lady says "Oh, I didn't see this before" of course Greg and I both turn to instant worry. She follows with "there's another heartbeat. You have twins."  Yep sure enough. Two heartbeats.
Of course, Doctors strongly suggest you wait until you're 12 weeks to announce it to the world (because the rate of miscarriage drops drastically after 12 weeks).. This was NOT easy. Sooo...close friends and our immediate family members found out early but we didn't announce it to everyone else until 7/11/12 (I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow 7/13/12).  I did get some tests and an ultrasound done on Tuesday 7/10/12, but the pics aren't very good so I haven't posted those anywhere. I can only tell what I'm looking at in them because I could make out things better in the video as she was taking the pics. So until I get better ones, we'll just stick with the 8 week ultrasound pics for now.
So ya, the Gables are growing. We've been stocking up on second hand and yard sale baby clothes (so cheap! and in great shape). We're registered EVERYWHERE. We're so excited! (and terrified). Like any parents were just wishing for two healthy babies but we both would love one of each, one boy and one girl. But so far, everything is going well. I haven't been too sick (no puking). I've had headaches, lack of energy, weight LOSS (due to no appetite), and nausea. But nothing too bad which is GREAT!
I'll keep everyone posted through this new journey.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
Have you heard that quote before?
Well, it holds true to me today.
I have been trying to live a healthier life for years. I've lost weight in the past, but haven't kept it off. I've exercised in the past, but not kept up on it. I tried being a vegetarian. I've tried eating low carb- high protein diets. I've done diet pills, I've done Weight Watchers (multiple times), I've done TOPS (Taking off Pounds Sensibly), I've tried the herbal suggestions of Dr. Oz, I've tried many, many things.  But nothing sticks. The only thing that is going to work is ME.
So, I've lost my job. I've got nothing but time on my hands at this point so I've decided today is the day that everything is going to change.
Yesterday I was "installed" as Co-Leader at our TOPS Chapter. What better time to really kick it in gear to be a motivation to others.  Hopefully helping myself as trying to help and motivate others.
I've decided to put more time, work, and quality into the things we eat. We're going to eat less pre-packaged foods, more organic and more fresh, one ingredient foods. Not only that but we're not eating ANY red meat this week, and with that, hoping to limit it from here on out (I say "limit" because we will both need a big ole juicy BEEF burger once in a while)
Yesterday I signed up for College classes to start working towards a CAREER, not just shitty jobs that I get stuck in just to pay the bills.
I am not one that deals well with change. I stress and agonize and have anxiety like a lunatic, but this is my chance. This is the time for me to better myself for my future family and just be HAPPY.  So, to be realistic, I'm also FREAKING OUT over all these changes, but I'm just trying to stay strong and take one day at a time. I'm sure as the start of school edges near, I will be a ball of nerves but in the end it will all be for the best.
I will surround myself only with the people who support me, love me, and those friends and family that I know I can truly trust.
So I ask all of you for your support, prayers and encouragement as I, as WE, transition into this new stage in our lives.
XOXOXOXOXO

Now what?

I'm so overwhelmed. I've got a million things running through my head that I have to sort out and I don't even know where to start.
Let's start with "The department is not moving in the right direction, and I'm letting you go."

Never been "let go" from a job in my life.

Never had such a weight lifted from my shoulders that quickly, in my life.

I have never met such an egotistical, fake, ugly, socially-awkward, greedy asshole in my life. And I cannot tell you how happy I am to never have to see that face again.

But what does make me sad are all the people. There are SO many amazing people that I worked with. SO many faces I will miss seeing every day. So many friendships that have formed there. It's truly amazing how much closer a environment like that can bring people. You all suffer through each day together.

I know some are sad to see me go. I know that others are jealous that they weren't the next one to go. And I know there's some that could care less. But to those who are sad, don't be. This is my chance, this is when I finally get to go out and make something of myself. This is my time to grow, go find myself, to be the best that I can be and no one can drag me down now.  My slate is clean, this is a new beginning. In a way I it's like I've just graduated High School again. I won't see the majority of the people ever again and if I do, it will be that awkward eye contact where you question if you say hi, or pretend you didn't see each other. Others you won't get together with not as often as you'd like, but think of them often. You've got this wide future ahead of you and it's all up to you what's next. It's a great feeling AND an incredibly scary feeling.

So to all of my friends, I love you. I'll miss you. And let's try to get together often.
And to, you "others" screw you, backstabbers!