The Unknown

I thought for the first time, I would get MY time. I've always looked forward to being pregnant and getting to have a baby shower, plan a nursery, put the crib together, etc. When Greg and I got engaged there were a few other couples in the family/friends that were getting married around the same time. So all of my Gable side bridal showers I shared with other couples. I never got to have the spotlight just for me. So now that I'm pregnant, I was looking SO forward to having my time. It doesn't look like it's heading that direction. If I can even remain pregnant for 3 or 4 more weeks, at that point I'll more than likely get admitted to Spectrum Hospital in Grand Rapids and be 40 miles away from all my friends and family until I do deliver. I'll never get to have a baby shower. I'll never get to see the cribs being put together, the dresser put together. I'll never get to be part of any of it. I'll just be in a hospital miles away from home. Away from my home, my bed, my tv, my DOGS, my family, for weeks or months.
My babies only have some clothes, two cribs still in boxes, dresser still in boxes, and storage drawers still in boxes. No car seats, no mattresses, no finished nursery.
Every time we think things are looking up, they take a turn for the worse again. It kills me that one baby has been fine this entire time and I can lose him. Apparently with twins it's both or nothing. I don't know what little Miles is going through. I don't know what his sac rupturing over and over does to him, how it effects him, etc. Is he suffocating?
I'm afraid to roll over in bed. I'm afraid to sit, to stand, to sneeze, to cough, to laugh because I'll leak and hurt him more. Every ultrasound pic of him he's curled up in such a small ball I can't even recognize him while Max is more stretched out and I can make him out perfectly. I'm not a very maternal person so that also makes me feel bad.
I go back to Spectrum in GR Friday (Greg's birthday) and am scared what they'll want to do with me. I did not have a good first experience with them. And of course the fear of being admitted (although since there's nothing they can do until 23-24 weeks, they typically would NOT admit me), I still fear it. I'll be 21 weeks on Friday.
What happens if I do get admitted? What happens with my unemployment? Do I lose it because I'm not "employable"? We can't afford to lose my little tiny unemployment checks. Even moreso now than ever. The Dr bills, ultrasound bills, specialist bills, and hospital bills are stacking up.
I just hate all this unknown. Just "sit home and wait. Come back if you feel like you have an infection or when you go into labor" Great.
*sigh*